Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
