How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Congratulations! We have a period
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
