WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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