I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
