Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I have already put on my inside pants.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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