I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Never joke about your clitoris.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
