If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Shame - the story of my life.
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