i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
