I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
