At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
