eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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