I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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