Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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