So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
