Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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