weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
