i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
