if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
