Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
