It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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