It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
