I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I wear drunk well.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
