And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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