mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
