i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
