My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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