If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
