dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
