Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
