we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
