My nipple is on Facebook.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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