I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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