I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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