just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
