I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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