It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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