Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
