i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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