I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
