i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
