its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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