Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
