gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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