i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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