i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
