and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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