Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
