the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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