I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
