Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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