I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
