Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
