Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
