i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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