So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
