Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
